(A collection of starts gathering dust. I often think I will come back to pieces when I leave them partly written. Here are three examples to the contrary.) 1. It's loud in here today, I text K. She knows that I am not speaking of the white noise of an office background going about a… Continue reading What I left uneaten at my table
Tag: mental health
Voided/Rewritten
“I feel like a fraud” I desperately say, caught in a web of fear. New loss, old loss, future loss - all weaved together, I am centered in it. “I talk about hope and joy one day, then to be on the verge of complete panic attacks the next day? I feel crazy and like… Continue reading Voided/Rewritten
Combustion, Combat
My stomach has been tight with fear today. It's been building all week, a fire slowly being stoked right underneath my chest cavity. I've tried to ignore it, but fear has a sneaky way of slipping through the cracks. I have learned over the past years that pretending my house isn't on fire doesn't keep… Continue reading Combustion, Combat
Weapons & Gifts
I am pulling old Christmas decorations out of storage, boxes that haven't been moved since the moment they were placed there seven - or is it nine - years ago when we first moved to these apartments. My sense of time is iffy at best and I never quite know what events fall where on… Continue reading Weapons & Gifts
Invisible Weight Still Makes Sound
I forgot a two-liter of soda in my trunk and there is some kind of accident up ahead, bringing traffic to jerky starts and stops. The bottle rolls around and I think about how it sounds like I have a dead body back there. It is a lot of noise for an item that isn't… Continue reading Invisible Weight Still Makes Sound
Nightwatch
My anxiety runs high today - I can feel it physically in my chest and pause, trying to observe. I can't tell if I should ignore it or move around or eat something or practice breathing or continue doing what I'm doing right now, which is a lot of things, but could also be described… Continue reading Nightwatch
Silent alarms and birthday songs
(Originally written and posted on Facebook October 8, 2017) Last year, it was on Saturday. We had no grand plans of celebration - it was just the two of us and a shared pizza and it was exactly as it was supposed to be. There was a man with a guitar and a microphone and… Continue reading Silent alarms and birthday songs
Falling Together Again
On the day before my one year anniversary of sobriety, I turned to Caryn and said "I'm afraid no one will come." We were outside on a smoke break at work, and I was referring to the sit-in that was happening that night. What I understand now is, I really meant "I'm afraid I'm not… Continue reading Falling Together Again
Now We Are Beginning 