“I feel like a fraud” I desperately say, caught in a web of fear. New loss, old loss, future loss - all weaved together, I am centered in it. “I talk about hope and joy one day, then to be on the verge of complete panic attacks the next day? I feel crazy and like… Continue reading Voided/Rewritten
Tag: vulnerability
Combustion, Combat
My stomach has been tight with fear today. It's been building all week, a fire slowly being stoked right underneath my chest cavity. I've tried to ignore it, but fear has a sneaky way of slipping through the cracks. I have learned over the past years that pretending my house isn't on fire doesn't keep… Continue reading Combustion, Combat
Comfort Comes From American Eagle, Size Small
(Originally written on December 12, 2018) It is a hot day in the middle of summer, and I am finally getting around to an errand I've been meaning to do for a couple of months now. Small bells jingle as I walk into the dry cleaners. "Just the one item today, please" I say, setting… Continue reading Comfort Comes From American Eagle, Size Small
Weapons & Gifts
I am pulling old Christmas decorations out of storage, boxes that haven't been moved since the moment they were placed there seven - or is it nine - years ago when we first moved to these apartments. My sense of time is iffy at best and I never quite know what events fall where on… Continue reading Weapons & Gifts
The stones in the middle of the river.
I pay attention to the sky more than I used to. For a long time now, I've seen without seeing. When I tell people I feel like I'm just waking up - this is what I mean. The cotton candy edges of clouds float across the ombre blue sky. To my left is light Robin… Continue reading The stones in the middle of the river.
Beginning Again
I've been trying to write all day. I feel the pressure building up - it's right there, under the surface, words that need to be released. But they are stuck. Which is appropriate I suppose, since I feel stuck today. It's as if my soul has caught on a piece of gum discarded on this… Continue reading Beginning Again
Falling Together Again
On the day before my one year anniversary of sobriety, I turned to Caryn and said "I'm afraid no one will come." We were outside on a smoke break at work, and I was referring to the sit-in that was happening that night. What I understand now is, I really meant "I'm afraid I'm not… Continue reading Falling Together Again
Not So Much A Beginning 